Numbing Out

“How are you?”

“Fine. Busy!  You know! How are you?”

“Same, busy, tired!”

How many of our conversations start like this?  When perhaps what you want to say is: overwhelmed/sad/frustrated/feeling taken for granted, or: generally quite content but I do get ridiculously cross when my lodger puts things in the wrong recycling receptacle – just me?

January to July I studied every Saturday, the first step toward a new pathway working in a therapeutic environment.  Learning about counselling theory and skills, but mainly learning about myself – identifying my actual emotions.  “Fine” and “Busy” are not emotions, they are things we say in order to not name our emotions.

I haven’t blogged for a long time. Nearly five months.  I could say that I have been busy which would be true; but I have managed to find time to watch five seasons of The Good Wife, almost five seasons of Parks and Recreation and all episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale.  Thank you for your understanding and non-judgment of my life.

I had a big chunk of time off in between finishing my old job (Hallelujah!) and starting my new one – five whole glorious weeks when I completed assignments for college, read, gardened and visited friends with young children.  I kept promising myself that I would finally find time to attend to neglected activities: journaling, Bible study, and writing.  I didn’t though – I felt like there was a block: there was nothing there, I couldn’t connect to anything.  I couldn’t seem to sit with stillness or quiet for long, I had to be occupied, either out and about doing things with friends or around the house, or getting lost in a different world.  So, I spent many hours binge watching episodes of The Good Wife whilst promising myself that I would get around to the most important things “later” or “tomorrow”.

I was disappointed in myself and angry that I was not utilising this precious and luxurious time nourishing my soul with the things that are important to me.

One Saturday at college we did an exercise: examining our relationships and how we form, maintain and end them.  Unless it is with my very closest people I avoid conflict; I swallow any “negative” feelings, telling myself that I “shouldn’t” feel like that.  I try to ignore and forget about my “negative” feelings which means that patterns repeat and issues are not resolved.  This leads to feelings bubbling over or getting to the point where the relationship ends because by the time I talk about how I am feeling the issues seem insurmountable or the other person is surprised by my expressing such feelings when I have seemed perfectly happy up until then.

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I thought about my relationship with God and with myself, two relationships that often come at the bottom of my “to-do” list when they should be at the top.  I am someone who likes to help others (ENFJ, Enneagram Type 2) but this can often be at the expense of myself.  I reflected on the “shoulds” that I feel others place on me or I place on myself, in counselling terms we call these our “conditions of worth” – these are conditions that we think that we should meet in order to be worthy of love.

I realised (again) that I was exhausted and constantly doing things in order to please other people and to please God as if God was this big master Judge who is never pleased with what I do and I always must do more.  I was angry about the restrictions and expectations that I felt were placed upon me and I was resentful.  I had disconnected from myself and therefore from God; I didn’t want to get still and quiet and listen to my soul and hear what was going on.  I didn’t want to simply “be” with God or myself.  I wanted to numb and avoid feeling.

Maybe you do this too?  You disconnect from yourself when things feel overwhelming?  Shut yourself off to keep safe in some way?  Maybe that’s by not going out and seeing people or by throwing yourself in to work or like me by binge watching things on Netflix? However you do it you avoid listening to your heart and that is never good.  It will make you sad and tired and resentful.

Talking about my feelings each week made me realised that I often struggle to identify my own, but can quite easily help you out with yours.  I realise that I numb in order to avoid feeling emotions which I have decided are “bad”.  I had a long hard look at myself and started my own personal therapy.  As my acceptance of my own emotions improves (less swallowing feelings and pretending they are not there, more acknowledging and trying to deal) and my awareness of myself deepens, I have noticed that my connection with God seems to have been strengthened.  I am finding talking to God easier again and I am excited to keep nurturing my relationship with myself and with God.

There’s something there about knowing ourselves and knowing God and how the two are interconnected in a weird and wonderful way.  You need to get quiet and still to know yourself and to know God; otherwise you can’t hear that small quiet calm voice over the loud screams of all.the.things that demand your attention first.

Tuning in to our inner voice can be hard if you haven’t done it for a while.  How do you know who you really are?  Have your likes and dislikes, your wants and needs got lost somewhere on the way? Are they just a reflection of what you think you “should” like to do? In order to tune into that voice I would start by thinking about something that you loved to do as a child before you learned to grow out of it.  Maybe it was painting, or gymnastics or ballet or colouring or writing stories?  Whatever it was, start doing it again.  Does it still bring you joy?  If yes, great – keep doing it – add other things that bring you joy and make time to be quiet (however uncomfortable) with yourself.  If it doesn’t?  Stop doing it, try something else.  Maybe being by yourself in the bath listening to Rod Stewart brings you joy.  Great: do you.

When you start doing you it’s like realising you’ve been holding your breath and now you get to exhale.

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After I wrote the first draft of this blog post I read the book Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen which put into words better than my own everything I had been feeling.  Almost every page I turned down a corner or underlined something.  This book will remain with me for a long time.  Jennie writes:

“Time with Jesus causes us to feel secure in our identities.  By listening to his voice, we recognise the lies that promise fulfilment elsewhere.  Do you want to know what you truly believe will satisfy you?  Look at where you spend the most time.”

Food for thought indeed.

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A quick Q&A

My friend Madge said she’d like me to answer some basic questions about myself like “why do you go to church?”  Trouble is the answers to those sorts of questions are a bit complex!  I’ve done my best below, without writing an essay in response to each one.

Why is the blog called Nack and Nace.com?  What does it mean?

Nackley and Nacey were my imaginary friends as a child, more affectionately referred to by two year old me as “Nack and Nace”.  I was thinkng along the lines of imagination, thoughts and writing and thought it had a nice ring to it.

Why am I writing a Blog?

It’s a way to be creative, my job is not creative at all and I needed an outlet.  I enjoy writing, also I wanted to expand on my 100 days of gratefulness posts that I’d done on Facebook a while back and expand on the short little posts that I did there.  I found keeping an online “Gratefulness Diary” helpful, it’s very hygge which is something I intend on writing an entire post about!

What stops me from writing?

Time, or lack thereof!  Also, sometimes, wondering whether what I write will be interesting to others, so a bit of self doubt I guess.

Why am I a Christian?

Well, because I believe in God.  I try to avoid debates about whether there is God or not because I know there is in the same way that I feel and know love exists and I appreciate that others will say exactly yhe same thing for why they feel there isn’t a God.  Does this mean that I never doubt? No. does it mean that I have all the answers or find some things about Christianity easy to accept?  Hell no.  Does it mean that I can’t see things from the point of view of an atheist or that I don’t have atheist friends – nope.  All are welcome in my circle, so long as you are trying to be good, wholehearted person.

Why do I go to Church?

A lot of people, including Christians struggle with Church.  I get this, I do too – it can sometimes seem hard to find God there.  It can be rigid, judgmental, unaccepting and self righteous.  The thing is that Church is not God or Jesus, it is the meeting of imperfect people in a place (any place) where they come together to meet with God and Jesus.  Sometimes those imperfect people forget why they are there and they forget what the face of Jesus looks like (that’s love, by the way).  It can also be a bit magical though when you have a community of imperfect people trying to do wonderful and loving work and supporting eachother in their faith, they might not get it all 100% right but they can do a lot of good.

Why do I read the Bible?  Do I believe everything in it?

I read it because it is how I learn to know God and Jesus better, how I grow in understanding my faith.

I believe every word in it is inspired by God and God breathed but that doesn’t mean that I believe that it can be read at face value.  So much of the Bible needs to be read in context, with an understanding of the time in which it was written and the culture.  I am not a Theologian and I know there are many ways of interpreting texts.  I do my best and I try to remember what Jesus said and did and I take that as the basis for how I should behave and also how I should try and interpet stories, looking through a “Jesus Lens”, if you will.

Why do I call myself a Jesus Feminist?

I am a Feminist, I believe that women have the right to be treated as equal to men and that they aren’t a lot of the time.  I believe that Jesus thought so too.  In the Gospels there are countless examples of Jesus treating women with respect, allowing them to learn from him (unheard of before that time) and treating them as equal to men.  It is what I believe that God intended and what should be the natural order of things.

Why am I interested in Hygge, Mindfulness and Hapiness?

I think it is human nature to search for happiness and purpose in life. I struggle with time management, saying “no”, people pleasing and generally being “busy”.  I can find that I am suddenly existing rather than living, that I am stressed, tired and anxious.  It is so much better to live and to enjoy this wonderful, crazy life journey, noticing it and not having it just pass you by.  Using Hygge, Mindfulness and exploring my Faith help me to be more centered, more present and happier.

Christian Mindfulness is bascially just another term for being still and listening to God, Hygge is all about comfort and security, things that you also get from being mindful and from having a faith.

Essentially all of these things are about living in the present, being still and connected.  I am a big believer in human connection and making time for you; it is instrumental to our mental health and well being.

Do I have any vices?

Chocolate.  Specifically pralines.

Any other questions?  Shout.

 

Committed in April

So this is a bit late, work has been manic since I returned from holiday and I also had my sister’s Hen Do (weekend just gone) to plan… So lets see how I’ve been getting on with my commitment goals in the month of April:

1. To writing/blogging more

Well. I am not great at getting into a routine with this but I think it has been getting better, at least this month of May anyway. I was obviously away in April….so that’s my excuse for then! I’m aiming for a blog post at least every two weeks, hopefully working up to every week. Maybe. Still enjoying it though so this is good.

2. To continuing Bible Study/Prayer

I have done a lot of reading around these subjects but, surprisingly little in the way of doing. Poor. Having just read “Prayer Without Pretending” by Anne Townsend I am putting this into practice this month so hopefully there will be more practice here when I do “committed in May”. Let’s hope so as this should be a priority!

3. To reading more

Yes! Progress here! In April I read four books:

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  •  How to Build a Girl, Caitlin Moran – this was most enjoyable although quite similar in a lot of places to How to Build A Woman which I preferred as I thought it was funnier.
  • Tattoos on the Heart, Gregory Boyle. What a book. So many “aha!” moments, and those moments where you realise that sometimes you are a bit self righteous and cringe at yourself for your utter stupidity. No one is “better” we are all loved. Beautiful words throughout, I cried at various points. No surprises there.
  •  Re read – Mere Christianity, C.S.Lewis. As always I appreciate his simple way of explaining complex theology and the fact that he does it in such a “British” way. Some of it (on marriage) is very outdated but otherwise full of wisdom. I turned down so many corners of pages to highlight my favourite parts. A great book if you are new to theology or Christianity as he writes from the perspective of a former atheist.
  • Committed, Elizabeth Gilbert. I was a huge fan of Eat,Pray,Love so came at this with expectations. They were met and this book was very pertinent to me at this season of my life. Plus Liz is funny!

4. To pursue a possible career change

Well, again a lot of thinking and praying not a lot of doing just yet. That’s okay though. I don’t know my “calling” just yet. This post of Sarah Bessey’s here made me feel a lot better about this particular work in progress; it doesn’t have to be a mountain top moment.

5. Healthier eating and more exercising

I was going so well with this – I had hugely cut down on my sugar intake and was doing Kayla Itsines BBG workouts which I had made huge progress with. For me you understand – I’m not talking six pack progress, but I had lost 7lbs and felt more toned, healthy and had more energy! However, I then went to Italy and ate all the food.

I haven’t really had the same commitment to it since getting back. I have had a lot of eating out at weekends and I am writing it off as a bad couple of weeks and starting again on Monday with renewed vigour!

I have also been going to see my osteopath which despite costing me a fortune and still being pretty awkward, has helped, at least with my Runner’s Knee…which will hopefully have a knock on effect on my squat/back pain.

6. Saying “no”

Hmmm. This is probably the toughest one for me. I have got better at this, at putting myself first. It’s still a work in progress though. I am on both the Parish Council and the Deanery Synod for my church, I work full time (long hours) and have commitments with family and friends which I love but it’s hard to juggle them all and still have “me” time. The holiday in April was much needed though and I felt I did less rushing around. I have certainly cut down on mid week meet ups this year limiting them to once a week if that! #proud.

Something else happened in April that meant I was out celebrating a lot…we got engaged in holiday in Cinque Terre! Since then I have basically been drinking all the champagne and eating all the food! And why not?! We are thrilled! Proposal post to come! but that’s definitely very committed 🙂

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